CHAPTER 5   (Chapter 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 ...) (alternates 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5...)

He'd seen  the movie GHANDI twice. The second time he took his kids with him to a multiplex. He wasn't sure if they had wanted to go but he thought he should make the effort to do something as a family - something spiritual... maybe even uplifting. But the had hated the movie the second time through. All the emotion he had felt the first time was revealed as cheap sentiment and big budget manipulation. He hoped Shawn and Dylan didn't see the movie that way. ‘I mean, it did win all those academy awards - they'll probably be taken in like I was...' he thought as they sat there in the little black room watching the screen which looked only slightly bigger than Sandy Whiteside's (Bill best friend) big screen TV. When they were driving home, Bill tried to get the kids to talk about the film but they didn't seem to be interested in anything but what kind of fast food they'd have. Bill thought this was funny considering the content of GHANDI but the humor was lost on his kids.

This memory faded and he was suddenly watching, Sabu. He could hear Andy Devine's voice introducing the serial. He remembered as a kid how impressed he was with the wide emotional range the actor who played Sabu was capable of. He could swing from fierce anger to bashful playfulness to inchoate fear in the bat of an eye.... But his pants.... They weren't really pants. They were like.... GHANDI'S!!! That's why he was thinking about Ghandi.

He was suddenly swept back to Denny's where he sat with Dylan and Shawn. Things seemed to be going moderately well when Dylan said out of the blue, "I think he was full of shit."

Bill reacted to the word "shit". If he had used that word when he was 8 years old, his father would have hit him across the face, knocking him to the ground and then stand over him and bellow like an ape. He knew that's what would have happened to him because it did once. Bill had been trained not to react to cursing. He and Andrea had decided early on - he remembered it was when Dylan was 2 ½ and starting saying "motherfucker" whenever he smashed his truck into another in the family room. They had tried to explain to him Dylan that "motherfucker" was a bad word and it only seemed to reinforce the word's emotional power. So they decided to ignore all curse words, hoping by giving no emotional weight, they'd fade into the background. It had worked for a while but suddenly at 6 or 7 both kids started cursing like long shoremen. They must have heard the words at school and now there was nothing he or Adrea tried that worked.

"Who do you mean?" Bill asked, hoping his embarrassment over the cursing didn't make him blush.

"That Ghandi guy. I mean he was a lawyer for Christ sakes!"

"Yeah, and his family. I mean why would he want to put them through all that crap!" chimed in Shawn.

Bill was crushed. How could he be so stupid to think two teenagers would be interested in that ridiculous costume drama. He wanted to say something funny. Show his kids how hip he could be but it just fell flat. He would get angry when he was in his thirties and something like this would happen - this kind of out- of-control feeling about his family. ???(Wife) had finally suggested that they all go to counseling. Bill remembered it was after they got home from their vacation to Cape Cod. He had blown his top at that fried clam joint just outside of Chatham. He couldn't remember now what it was even about. But the idea of counseling so frightened him that he promised he would never create another scene. And he hadn't.

But Sabu... He was so cute in his... What would you call them. I mean they looked just like what he was wearing right now. Like diapers. WHAT HE WAS WEARING RIGHT NOW?

Bill tried to get up but his arms and legs wouldn't move. He was paralyzed. TOTALLY PARALYZED! He tried yelling - his voice was certainly intact. He screamed with all his being. He could feel the hot tears flowing down his face. He struggled and strained to find that he could lift his head a little.

Hugh looked down and saw that he was naked except for these big cottony pampers he was wearing. JUST LIKE GHANDI!

He tried to clear his head - rewind his memory - order the events of his life in some sort of chronology. The last thing he remembered was sitting in that Denny's with his kids... but he knew that was nearly ten years ago. Where was he now?

And then it all flooded back. The Intervention, Blue Hills, the drugs, Trudy, Ronnie... And that last therapy session at the CONNECT building. Didn't he drown? Was he still alive? Or was left with no motor ability after suffering from brain damage from his near drowning at the hands of Ronnie and the group.

AND WHY WAS HE WEARING DIAPERS? He began to scream again - his wails went from indignant anger to blind fury until his cries themselves began to panic him. The crying finally settled into sobs of deep sadness and bottomless longing. His tears became all there was in the world - an ocean that rocked and washed over him - huge and impassive, affected by only cosmic forces like the sun and moon. He could taste the salt - feel the wind and tides in the pit of his stomach until suddenly he felt himself swept up.

He tried to look around but his eyes were so swollen with tears he could barely see. But he felt something in his mouth. He tried to spit it out but was forced back in. He pushed his tongue up against it and tasted something sweet and warm. And the smell - it was a smell he could remember in every cell of his body but he could never name. It was the taste and smell of the bottom drawer of his life - the one he used for old love letters and pictures of his first dog and the cabin his family used to go to in the Catskills when he was four years old. It was that smell and taste and more. His mouth began to suck and he swallowed back his tears and rage. A sound filled the room: a sweet and gentle cooing. He felt himself being rocked. He finally was able to squeeze open his eyes and all he could see was miles of warm whiteness, covered with faint blue lines. And it was soft - so soft. He swallowed again as he felt himself enveloped in arms that radiated their love into his neck and back.

He shifted his head. Over the white horizon he saw the edge of a knowing smile. He felt himself choke again with tears - but there were not full of rage of longing - these were tears of relief - the sweetness of letting down, of letting go. He saw his Mommy. He tried to say her name but her breast filled his mouth. He felt the world hum around her engorged nipple that lay on his tongue. He was so thirsty for this that he could feel it in the souls of his feet.

He felt himself drifting off - not into sleep but floating up into heaven. His ears were filled with a strange pressure and a buzzing hum that was punctuated by a the sound of a huge swooshing pump. He felt his heart hang onto this sound just like the baby shark he had seen at the aquarium, swimming belly-to- belly with his huge momma.

He drank and drank - deep and long, rocked and sung to by his Mommy. He tried to reach for her - pull her even closer but his arms were still so weak he couldn't move them. He did sense his fingers and wiggled them a little wee bit but their movements ahd no reason or rhyme. And he didn't care anymore. Care had been lifted from him like a heavy load - a load he'd carried for so long that he had forgotten it - a load that had bent his back into a ignorant hump - a load that filled his mind waking and sleeping unendingly into the past - a load that he had grown to love but did not love him in return - a load that had died long ago but he carried it on not knowing how to put it down.

He opened his eyes again and looked up into his Mommy's smiling mouth, her twinkling eyes, her round, round cheeks, her sweet little ears, and her beautiful nose - he wanted to eat that nose of hers... That nose that loved him... That mouth that loved him... Those eyes that loved him. Yes, he was loved. The endless doubt was over...

He sucked on and on, the warm sweetness sliding down his throat and filling his tummy with everything his mommy could ever give and give it gladly.

And he fell into her body, deeper and deeper. The smell of his Mommy filling his soul - down to the very bottom - to the places that could never be reached.

*****************************

Bill drifted back to the surface of consciousness - he could see glowing lights behind the closed lids of his eyes. He felt his legs startle and he was immediately stroked and pulled closer. He hadn't been dreaming. It was his Mommy - yes, he could smell her. He opened his eyes and lifted his chin and she was lying next to him, smiling into his face like sunshine on a warm Autumn day. She kissed him on the forehead. He tried to speak but all that came out was a plaintive squeal. And then he felt himself begin to cry angrily - but he didn't know why. And he didn't care. It felt good. He saw is Mommy's face smile in understanding as she shifted her body and moved her breast into his face. He felt his mouth yearn reflexively and then the nipple met his lips, his mouth yawning open as his nose was overwhelmed with that smell that was Mommy. And he drifted off into the world of milky love.

*****************************

Bill didn't how long he stayed in this new place. Time didn't mean anything anymore. The movement from one day to the next was gone. His world was his Mommy and the landscape was marked by sleep, hunger, sucking, singing, hugging, laughter, then more sleep - and they were all filled with a wonderful sweetness. Even pooping and peeing were filled with sweet marvel. He'd lost all control over his bladder and sphincter muscles - he would sense his body evacuating, filling his lower regions with a delicious warmth. And the smell which always followed and then the delighted laugh from Mommy. He was learning pride again - pride in his own simple existence.

After he pooped or peed his Mommy would lay him on his back and change his diaper. His mind would drift off to Ghandi and Sabu again and then end up on his own children - and he would sob. He would cry as he felt his Mommy wiping his ass and penis with soft, cooly wet towels. And then she would run on slippery cream which would fill him with a strange buzzing tenderness. He would start to get little erections but these weren't like anything he could remember - it felt as if his whole body were filled to the brim everywhere... ‘Like a big smile all over', he thought, making him laugh. Then his Mother would lean in and plant big kisses all over his tummy, laughing. She would smile and look into his eyes, knowing exactly what he was thinking and feeling. It was such a relief to not have to anything at all - not a word and his everything was known.

His Mommy would then pick him up and cradling him in her arms would dance him around the room. Around and around. He would cling to her as best his worthless little fingers could and the harder he tried to grab her the faster she went and the more they would laugh together, their voices intermingling and cascading down like a waterfall with an ever-present thunder of their voices rumbling off into the distance.

And it went on like this for ever and ever.

*********************************

And he was ready when it finally changed. He was starting to be able to move around a little. His fingers were now starting to work, bit by bit. He had learned to hold onto her breast as she fed him. He would play with her nipples and he would watch her throw her head back and laugh. He loved looking down her throat. He would reach up and put his fingers in her mouth and she would suck them gentle. His fingers would then crawl up past her lip and he would insert his fingers in her nose. She would snort like a great beast whenever he did this. The first time she did so, his vision went white with fear and he burst out crying. His Mommy laughed, covering her mouth so that the concern in her eyes was highlighted. He would then laugh through his tears. After several of these go-rounds the fingers- in-the-nose game became a highlight of each wakeful session.

And his Mommy would talk to him and sing to him and he would listen to the words, not knowing exactly what she was saying but understanding exactly what she meant. It was in her eyes.

And they would play games - everything became a game. And it was by this route that things did change...

He was feeding one day. He lay in his nakedness in his Mommy's lap, she naked too, the vastness of their unending skin becoming as one. He was drinking deep, sucking on her large brown nipple. He looked up and noticed her slip off into sleep. He was now alone with her breast. He finished drinking but he wasn't tired. He wanted to play. So he took the nipple and sucked it into his mouth and the spit it out again. He sucked it in and spit it out over and over, sucking harder and harder each time. As he did he could feel his Mommy's tummy harden and then soften as her breathing deepened. What he was doing was making her feel something and he knew it. He felt strong and he felt this feeling in his teeth. He did have teeth. He didn't remember having them before but he did. He put them down gently on his Mommy's nipple and he heard her moan. She was sweating now and her body slid over his when she moved. Her closed eyes squinted in rhythm with his sucking and her breathing. He was doing something!

And that's when he did it. He knew what he was doing. It started with a thought, not the thought of doing what he did but with an awareness of his own face. Though he had not seen his own reflection in the longest time, he suddenly could see his face. He lay back thinking of his own face, knowing he had teeth, looking up into her gently moaning body... And he ground his teeth together. He rubbed them back and forth until they became chaulky and he felt a sweet soreness in his mouth. Then, without taking his eyes off her, he took her nipple into his mouth and bit down as hard as he could.

Her mouth slammed open with a terrible scream, her body hardening in pain. But he didn't let go with his teeth. They clung and dug deeper into the soft, yielding nipple. She looked down at him and he could feel himself smiling, his brows furrowing down over his eyes in mischief.

He saw her hand rear back in threat and she continued to scream but he didn't care - he was going to eat her alive! And then she swung her hand down, slapping him with all her might on the side of the face. His head spun away, the smile ripping off his face like an unwanted mailer from K-Mart, his ears singing a single high searing note.

And that's when he heard HIM get up and start coming. It was a terrible low thudding. And then the door swung open and a man... A MAN!!! Who was he? What was he doing here?

The towering figure yelled to his Mommy, "What did he do?"

"HE BIT ME!" his Mommy yelled, "THE LITTLE___"

The man rushed forward and yanked Bill from his Mommy's arms and carried him toward the door. Bill looked over the man's shoulder as she started to pursue the man. It was only then that Bill noticed how ungodly tall she was - well over six feet and probably weighing over three hundred pounds.

"Daddy! Daddy! Don't take my baby away! He was just___"

"It's time he learned a thing or two!" boomed the man's voice as he carried Bill out into a harshly lit, echoey hallway.

"DADDY, COME BACK! I NEED MY BABY! DADDY!!!" his mother screamed.

‘So this is my Daddy', thought Bill, ‘Geez'...

TO BE CONTINUED....

Chapters: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 /....

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